Saturday, July 25, 2009

Somber

I was down to fever, flu and sore throat last Wednesday, the day I was supposed to have my certification of my consultant level. It was day two after my hubby recovered from his fever, so I must have gotten the virus from him...It was my 1st time fever since Faaz was born and I was very weak that the doctor gave me 2 days of M.C...hoping that I will have an ample rest and recover fast.

Fadzil suggested that I quarantine myself from Faaz, worried that I might spread the virus to him. Owh, it made my heart sank thinking that I will spend the nights without cuddling my baby as I always do...every night, without failed. *sob* :'( Of course, on the other hand, not a chance I will allow myself to jeopardise his health for the sake of my selfishness emotion.

I tried on the 1st night...

I tried to sleep on the sofa bed at the family area in front of our bedroom, but my eyes wide open despite the medication that were supposed to make me sleep...until sometime. However, while I was a about to be in a deep sleep, I could hear a baby's voice crying from a distance, for quite sometime. The moment I successfully gained my consciousness, my heart cried, "Faaz!". Quickly I ran into the room, and found my baby was crying for milk while hubby was sleeping...in deep sleep indeed. Poor my baby, his face has turned red for crying how many minutes, I dont have any idea. Quickly I held him and fed him before putting him to sleep..again. Frankly, I do feel a bit dissapointed that hubby didn't wake up when he was supposed to, especially with my condition....but I don't have a heart to be angry at him. He's just recovered himself from the fever, he himself was not having enough sleep the day before (he's been awake few times to attend my baby as I was starting to feel unwell that night), and he was having a long day at the office. At last, I decided to sleep in our bedroom..but a distant from Faaz.


The next morning, I felt so sleepy after consuming my medication that I had to pass on ironing Fadzil's office attire although he was late (sorry, Sayang). He was in rush, worrying that he wont make it to the office on time due to the traffic jam at that hour. After he kissed my forehead and wrapped myself into the comforter, I told him to transfer Faaz to Mama...however, Mama was not awake yet...so we didn't have a choice. Me and Faaz slept on the same bed. I tried my best to distant myself from him...put him to the other edge of the bed, with plenty of pillow to support. I don't know how, when I was awake around 10am, I was surprised that he was sleeping behind me,and his tiny hand was holding some of my hair (saya tidur dalam posisi mengiring). Note that Faaz memang sangat lasak ketika tido, even pillow pun dia boleh lepas...huhu. As I was about to move him, he was awake...smiling at me. Awwwh, my heart melt. Feels like to kiss him, hug him...but I cant :(
At that time, mama has already awake so I passed him to her. I cleaned myself, have a piece of bread with jam for breakfast, consume my medication before went to bed...again.

When I woke up at noon, Faaz was downstairs, busy playing on his playgym. Mama told me that she noticed Faaz was having running nose. Oh no! He must have gotten the virus from me! :'( I felt guilty but mama said, Faaz is still ok...active and cheerful as always. Harap-harap tak teruk, I said to myself. It was 1st time for Faaz to have flu so I was so worried, does he know what to do when his nose is blocked? My nightmare came true that night. Faaz was barely sleep due to the nose block. Paling kesian when he was struggling when I fed him and when he was suckling the pacifier. Tidur pun nganga je mulut. At one time, he was coughing really hard as if being choke or something. I was down, very2 down and somber. I cried. I failed in protecting my baby from the virus. Lucky Fadzil was there to console me...*sob* That night, kami hanya tidur-tidur ayam, monitoring our baby till the morning came.

I was supposed to go to work on Friday, and have my certification done. However, I postponed it again. I took the emergency leave. We went to SJMC straight away in the morning to see Dr. Ali. Faaz, was cheerful as usual, although he was not having enough sleep. He even trying to make a conversation with Dr. Ali during the checkup. Bising mulut dia...strong baby, kata Dr. Ali. He said, "Biasalah, slalu ibu kena...anak slalu terjangkit sama. Normal lah tu, jangan risau-risau sangat" "Macam dia tau je ape dlm hati ni" my heart said. Alhamdulillah, with Allah's will, and the medication, his condition is improving. And tonight, he sleep better that yesterday...but nose block still ada I guess. I can hear it from his breathing. This explained why I am wide awake at this hour. Couldn't sleep properly...until I know that he's fully recovered. Hopefully, by tomorrow he does. InsyaAllah..

Now that I gone through this (Faaz never fell ill before,he had a fever once, after jap...itupun,few hours je demamnya..), I realized what have our parents gone through when we were sick, how worried they were, the sacrifies they made for us. It also made me realized how lucky I am compared to those unfortunate mommies, who has to sacrifies for their babies who are having critical health condition, for example. Saya insaf. Truthfully, I cannot imagine myself in their shoes...
Dear Faaz,
Let u know mommy is truly sorry for not preventing you from having mommy's flu virus. Seeing you struggled to sleep at night but still wake up with a smile, cheerful as usual in the morning made me somber...sank my heart...I admit I am not a perfect mom yet, I am still learning but I promise you I will be one, with Allah's will. I am truly happy to see your condition improves today and I hope you will recover by tomorrow. Love you so much!

Love, Mommy...



8 comments:

HalfBlood Princess said...

Alahai kesiannya all of u..the day b4 pon same with us here..3 hari strait cudnt sleep at nite, 3-4 pg tkekeh2 lg main ngan iris..cian dia nose been blocked..nyagkit dr zahin.

betul, ank kte xsht tp ceria cm tade apa2 je kn derg? kte yg bimbang n rse kesian sayu hati je tgk derg camtu..

Nway, get well soon yea both of u...:)

MOMMAHOLICSERIES said...

I 100% understand the feeling dear.Only God knows how much we're praying and crying at this condition. What we want most is only that, our babies will always in good health.

Dun worry mummy Faaz. Faaz is going to be OK. InsyaAllah. He is a tough boy.

Mummy Faaz jangan cedih-cedih kay. You've been the best of all for him. Faaz will definitely agree with me.

Kan Faaz??? :) Get well soon, dear.

Nadine said...

izu~

iye ke. dh elok iris? elok sendiri la ye?

itula. slalu tgk dia ceria, healthy je..bila mlm dia struggle mcm tu sedih sgt rase. mungkin sbb 1st time tu emo lebih skit kot. izu sure dh masak tangani hal mcm ni sbb dh ade 2 org anak kn? :)

thanks dear...amin!

Nadine said...

momma~

thanks so much, dear. aminn.. I harap sgt dia cpt2 sembuh. feel so hopeless when I see him cannot breath properly esp when feeding. poor lil thing.

awwwh, ur such a sweety la. untung oman ade momma cam u ;)

thanks..alhamdulillah, I dh ok, cuma nose block je. sengau. hik!
harap2 Faaz pun sama hari ni.

dyana "his other half" said...

cian nya faaz. me too 100% understand the feeling. when hadif was 16 days tiba he can't really sleep. idung dia sangkut. I checked for any flame tp takde la pula. the whole night i cant sleep just looking at him if he can breath. bila doc checked he said hadif ada dried mucus in his nose whic is normal for some baby up till 2-3 months. alhamdulilah skang dah ok slet but sometime jadi juga. memang i will never sleep when he kena that dried mucus.

be strong dear :). ur one of the best mommy.

Nadine said...

dyana~
sian kan baby. 16 hari lg la, kecik sgt..sure cdee pun sedih sgt tgk dia kan. tq for sharing ur experience n tq for the encouragement.

awak sgt sweet la mama hadif! :)

YOI said...

Dina pon baru baik demam..demam sebab ayah dia kne gi manila lg.aritu pon demam masa ayah nak gi manila,mcm paham2 je..be strong nadia.at least nadia ade family n hubby kan leh assist,berbanding nurul yg sorg2 kat kl ni.huhuhuhu...ibu2 yakin boleh! insyaAllah...

Nadine said...

ic...poor lil dina. alhamdulillah dh ok.

yup2, saya untung ada family to assist me. its just i'm sad to see my lil hero yg selama ni sihat, segar bugar, tiba2 mlm2 struggle nk breathing. rasa bersalah sgt i accidentally spread the virus to him and felt so hopeless that i can do nothing except gave him the medication. manalah baby tau nak hembus hingus atau ludah kahak....sian anak mommy.