Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Wordless Wednesday

On Rainy Days...

Sunday, June 19, 2011


My father was only a normal court clerk when he and my mom got married. As soon as my mother was conceiving of me, he decided to continue studying again. He got a high ambition, to become a lawyer, so that he can give mommy, me and my future siblings a better life...

I still remember, he told me that the journey was not so smooth even at the very first step. His own father (my late grandfather) laugh at him when he told him about his plan. Atuk (the named I called my grandfather) thought it was ridiculous as my father only passed his SPM with grade 3. But my father took it as a challenge, he studied again and managed to pass his SPM with good results and he was accepted to ITM (UiTM now) to further his study. He's a fighter...

When I was born into this world, it was a joy for everyone as I am the first child of my parents, the 1st grandchild for my mom's side and the 1st granddaughter for my dad's family. We don't have a car back then. For the unconditional love of him towards me, everytime we went back to either dad's or mom's hometown, he will got up very,very early in the morning and took a bus to his hometown in Rembau, Negeri Sembilan. He then borrowed my grandfather's car and drove back to KL to pick us and drove back to Rembau or up to Batu Pahat, mom's hometown. The same thing happened reversely when we came back to KL. He done all these because he don't want his baby (me) to travel by bus, he wanted his child to travel comfortable and safely. I still remember how I cried when my mom told me this story...

I barely remember my relationship with my father when I was a toddler as he was busy juggling between his work and study. Most of the time I stayed in Batu Pahat, Johor with my grandparents and my parents visited me once a month. Nevertheless, I know both of them love me as much as other parents do... :)

When I entered kindergarten (pre-school), my dad encouraged me to be the best in everything that I did. Either academically, sports or even performing arts. That was when I noticed that he was very strict when it comes to academic especially. I remembered showing him my report card, I was so excited as I got all "A"s for the subjects except Mandarin. I thought he won't bothered since Mandarin is not my mother tongue and I am only 5 years old back then. I was wrong, my dad was a bit dissapointed. He said, if I have done it well, I could have beaten my bestfriend - Tee Chai Ling's score and became no.1 instead of 2...I was really sad. But it was not for long tho. The very next day, he came back from work with a present for me. That moment I knew, he love me actually... well, that's how dad was dear readers, he's a strict and fierce sometimes, but inside he was loving man who rarely show affection trough hugs and kisses but more to action :)

When I entered primary school, my sister was born. Being the big sister, the pressure was even higher. Instead of normal story books, my dad bought me the thick Hardy Boys Series and a small Oxford dictionary. I have to finish certain pages for a week duration and we will then sit together so that I can tell him what was it about. During my readings, I was not allowed to ask what's the meaning of any jargon English words that I found, I have to search on my own via the dictionary. At first, I was so down...I wanted to have a collection of Disney fairytale books, not The Hardy Boys! It's too advance and too boring. Too boyish too :( But slowly, when I was in standard 3, I finally understand what he was trying to do..I won a short English essay due to my rich vocab, thanks to my dad..

Academically, I have to do well in every term. Only no.1, 2 or 3 were allowed and the marks shouldn't be below 90%. If I failed to achieve it, I have to face him with my palm of hands ready. One beaten with "rattan" for each mistake I made..huhu. Because of that, I was constantly at number 1 or 2 in class until I was in secondary school. Strangely, as I grew up, I did not hate my dad for this..instead, I felt good and satisfied everytime I score or be on top of the class. The motivation slowly changed from afraid of being beaten to challenge myself to be the best among my friends. I was motivated by the way my dad studied too...

You see, when my sister was born, my dad further his degree studies at International Islamic University Malaysia. He quit his job to concentrate on his study full time. Although he was busy with his study, he never failed to monitor my progress or spend some quality time with the family. The only time we were not allowed to make noise or to disturb him was during his exam week. He stayed in the study room and only came out to take bath, perform solat, and eat. He hardly slept as well.

"Macam ni lah Na, orang dah tua belajar. Bukan senang semua nak masuk dalam kepala. Dengan takde basic Arab lagi, kena keja keras. Sebab tu Abah nak Na study betul2 dari skarang, tak perlu susah-susah macam Abah..."

That was what he told me when I asked him how he managed to study for two days straight without any sleep...

My mom said, our family economy was not that good during this time as she was the only one who work to support the family. That explained why I did not get any present from my parents when I did well in my studies. But I was happy enough that I always get some during the prize giving ceremony by the end of every study years. That was enough for me. And Abah, knowing that I love Kentucky Fried Chicken so much, he would bring me to Jalan TAR (TAR road) each time he wanted to take out his scholarship money. He will then bought a snack plate for me and he will wait till I finished before we went back home. Mom said, during that time, she only managed to taste the fried chicken from my leftovers (that time, I only eat the chicken's skin)...sad isn't it? If only I knew... :(

Things got better when I entered secondary school. My dad has graduated successfully , became a lawyer and owned his own firm by his own name. I was so proud of him. I really looked up to him. He became my idol. He was still strict and reserved as he was, but he became very generous not only to us, but to our big family and even his friends. He always put us as his top priority then himself. He shops for us, but not for himself. The only thing he indulged himself with his success was owning his dream car. That's all. Anyway, I can say that that was the time when I became a bit spoilt. Dad usually agreed and support what I wanted/decided whilst mom always the other way round. Strict, but cool he was ;)

The sun does not always shine brightly and so do life...then came the biggest test in my life. I was still studying in the same university as he was when my father had a stroke. Half of his body was paralyzed. I was so sad and down but trying to keep that feeling from my friends. Like I said earlier, my father was a fighter. He never gave up. He did acupuncture, and some exercises by himself and within only few months, he was back to normal again, although he was not 100% recover from his illness. The Doctor was surprised and impressed with his progress..He said to me that my father's determination and never-gave-up spirit was inspiring. I was relieved. Because of that, despite the worries and mixed feelings inside I managed to concentrate on my studies and got him a present - Dean's List award for few consecutive semesters. Although I am far from my genius friends who got it for every semester, it means a lot to me to see how happy my dad was each time I handed him the cert.

I have so many plans upon graduating. Firstly, I wanted my dad & mom to attend the convocation and witness me walking proudly on the CAC Hall stage. Secondly, I wanted to buy something special for my dad with my 1st salary because I was among of his top priority in his life. But God has another plan for me. A week after I got my final results, my dad passed was the saddest day in my life. I lost not only a father, but an idol. I lost someone whom I called "ABAH".

My father was quite reserved in person, especially when it comes to feelings. He may not be as loving or as cool as any other father. But his love and affections shines to us from his actions. And the love and care keeps on growing everyday cause until today, I can still feel the love from this great man.

Dear Abah,

May your soul rest in peace, Al-Fatihah.
Happy Father's Day..
Will always missing you...

Sunday, June 12, 2011

When He Is Far Far Away...

When you walk away,

I count the steps that you take

Do you see how much I need you right now
When you're gone...

The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone...

The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone...

The words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it ok
I miss you


(was listening to this song while my hands meets the keyboard and starts writing..)

Sad, sad us at McD KLIA, yesterday :(
...candid by hubby

I am now at my 34th week of pregnancy and scheduled to deliver the twins by week 37. Which means, I have only 3 more weeks to go. Fadzil and I had so many plans and things to do in these 3 remaining weeks. But everything went chaos when Fadzil broke the news last Monday that he had to go to Oslo by the end of the week (yesterday), for approximately 2 weeks.

My heart sank when I heard the news.. :( I was really down...

Starting from Tuesday onwards, the days became so hectic for us. We re-scheduled the gynea's appointment earlier, deciding the date of delivery, arranged the pre-admission to the ward, trip to Putrajaya to renew his passports, and not to forget trips to the malls to get his stuffs, Faaz's stuffs and also the coming newborns stuff. Everything has to be settled as he only be coming back home few days before I am scheduled to deliver. Sangat-sangat penat!

I know, it's not even a month he'll be away, and this is not the first time Fadzil went for outstation. He even left me twice in 2008 when I was at my 1st and 3rd trimester of expecting Faaz. During those time, I managed to handle all by my own with less difficulties.

But this time, it's different...Feels like I'm loosing my "wings" to fly :(

For this pregnancy, At this stage the weight I'm supporting with my petite body make it difficult for me to move around without support. The heaviness is definitely twice than carrying a baby in your womb and it becomes more challenging as the weeks pass by.

At this stage, getting out of bed in the middle of the night/at morning is soo painful, especially at the pelvic area (berat n rasa mencucuk2). Usually, hubby will be the one who give me a hand to support. But now, when I feel like peeing in the middle of the night or wake up in the morning, nobody will give me a hand.. :'(

To get into the car or get out of the car are quite challenging as well. With the oversized tummy and the extra weight, it's so difficult for me to put my leg in the car or getting myself out of the car. Usually, it will be him to give me support, but now, it will only be me, myself :'(

At this stage, getting major cramps in the middle of the night is so common. Sometimes, it becomes so painful that it made me cried. Usually, it was him who quickly woke up and and massage me. But now, who will assist me when I need help in the middle of the night... ? It will only be ME, alone :'(

Lastly, I will not have a shoulder to cry on, a listener, a bestfriend, a joker to make me smile. I will not have my love, my other half for 2 weeks :(

I know some will say that I'm being such a baby, but try to put yourself into my shoes, then you'll understand what I'm going through, physically and emotionally. I managed to survived the first night without him last night, but with lots of tears, especially when I tried to get up in in the middle of the night and to get up this morning. Tried my best to have support from the drawers beside the bed but it was really hard and painful :'( I guess it will take another 2-3 nights before I got used to the pain...

My Faaz also not doing well this time. Although he did not make a scene when Fadzil bid us goodbye at the departure entrance, he started to show how much he miss him afterwards.

Bye-bye daddy, may u have a safe journey...

As we made our way out of the airport, he saw an airplane on the sky from the car so he started to ask,

"Mommy, Daddy go aeroplane?"

"Mommy, Daddy go up the sky?"

"Yes, sayang.." I told him with tears on my eyes. Happy that he begins to understand and make sense of everything but sad at the same time *sob*

As we reached home and went into our room, the first thing Faaz said to me was,

"Mommy, Faaz want to see Daddy on the laptop" (Skype-ing)

I cried, I know my little boy missed his daddy already. So did mommy, Faaz. Quickly I rubbed the tears and calmly I explained to him that his daddy was still on the plane and can't communicate with him yet. He then looked at me silently for a minute before lying down on the bed...

And last night, he cried for his Daddy when he wants his milk...lucky he was ok when I told him I'll make it for him instead..

I know it's gonna be a challenging 2 weeks, and I have to be strong by hook or by crook. May Allah give me the strength to face this. Tears will continue to pour everyday, that's for sure but for the sake of the babies in my womb and another one with me, insyaAllah I'll make it and take good care of this amanah..

Right now I'm missing my hubby so very much. He's still on a 14 hours flight and I pray he will have a smooth journey and safe touchdown later. Looking forward to hear from him this evening.

BTW, today is Fadzil's dad's birthday. Will be attending a family celebration on behalf of my hubby. It's gonna be sad as everyone will attend with their partners and families, except me. Lucky I still have Faaz with me...

Here's a short clip before Fadzil's departure...I can't continue to record the rest, tak tahan sebak sangat :(

p.s: sorry friends for not able to blogwalking at the moment, I'm still on sad mood...will do in few more days, when I'm more emotionally stable. thank you for your understanding..


Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Preggy Me & Weddings

I don't know why, but it seems like every time I got pregnant and at my last trimester, I always been invited to important weddings..uh...pardon me, important, GRAND wedding such a short notice...

Don't get me wrong, I love weddings! It's just that every time I will faced the same situation:

....I don't have anything to wear according to the theme of the wedding
....I will feel as if I am the fattest, widest, and ugliest person around (talking about low self esteem :P)

(Jealous ok tengok orang lan bersiap bagai, bergaya je pegi wedding whereas me??? *sigh*)

I still remember in late November 2008, I had to accompany Fadzil to attend his bestfriend's wedding at Crown Princess Hotel. I was at my 35 weeks pregnant of Faaz, and I was so chubby and fat. I had nothing to wear :(

Since Doyok came from a royalty background, I already anticipated how grand and exclusive the wedding was. True enough, it was a beautiful, posh wedding and everyone look stunning in their outfit, except me. I was the most simplest person in that hall, wearing a chiffon pleated blouse with a pair of long soft maternity pants. That's all I can come with, wanted a chiffon dress but it was too late to pay a visit to my tailor. Biasalah, time cuti skolah banyak tempahan...last minute request of course tidak dilayan. Huhu...

simple me, otw to the wedding...

And this time, we've been invited to attend Fadzil's cousin's wedding, when I am at 32 weeks of pregnancy. Cousin Wahab, the bridegroom-to-be came to our house 2 weeks before the big day and handed us the card. There were 3 receptions all together; The Henna Night, The Solemnization and the Reception.

Oh my! I said in my heart, this time it's worst. I am bloated with two babies and I had to find three different outfit to wear??? Yeah, I have to crack my head again and think, think, think...

While I was browsing and looking inside my not-so-big wardrobe, I finally find a Riau Kurung that was made for Raya when I was at 26 weeks preggy. Thanks to the adjustable waist of the skirt, I can still fit in the kurung...*phew*. "Relieved! Will wear this for the Solemnization day", I told myself.

Next thing and a bit tricky part was to find an outfit for the reception; the theme was "English & Traditional Bollywood". After series of thinking and browsing the net, I decided to wear a Caftan Dress since it is so popular nowadays. Not really match the theme but at least, a dress is considered as English theme, yes? no?.. :P

Was looking for an empire cutting caftan but couldn't find it. Don't want to take a risk buying online, worrying that it won't fit my tummy at the end or it's too long for my petite height, I went to Shah Alam to find one. Alhamdulillah, with God's help I managed to find a simple Caftan Dress that fits me in such a short time (maklumla, mak buyung ni skang sudah tiada stamina utk jalan/berdiri lama2). I go for olive color, something really new to me (since I am not a fan of green). Wanted to shop for a matching scarf but was too tired to do so. Ended up I just wore a plain 2-tone color old scarf. Thinking it was too plain, I bought a not too heavy sequin hairband and wore it on top of my scarfs.

Fadzil think it was cute! Hihi :)

and the end result was...

My SIL and me

Again, I was the simplest person that night, but I don't feel left out like the previous wedding. Although 60% of the guest that night wore Traditional Bollywood outfit (including the bridegroom family), there were few other guests that wore the kaftan dress as well (of course theirs were much more glamorous than me). So I ade geng! Hihi...

The best thing that night, the hero of "Trilogi Cinta" (a popular Malay drama adapted from a novel) complimented me and said that I am one cute preggy mommy. Awwwh, so sweet of him :) Btw, managed to chat with his wife, she was so sweet and lovely! :)

Wonder how he was present at the wedding? Well, actually the heroin of the drama is Fadzil's cousin, a.k.a the youngest sister of the bridegroom :) Besides Rosyam, few other celebrities were presence as well including Afif (AF9) and Iqram Dinzly.

The funny thing that night, hubby was a bit uncomfy when I took photo with Iqram. He said, "Dah ambil gambar dgn hero tua, dgn hero muda tak payahlaa..". Haha, u're so cute lah sayang when u're jealous! :D Aren't you forget that your wifey is bloody BLOATED at the moment?? Mana ade saham maaaa...

Tengok I, cool je, tak jealous pun you duk sebelah your beautiful cousin for the family photo... hihi :)

Anyway, more photos will be uploaded in my FB soon. Hope this will be the last wedding for me to attend before the twins are born. Serius dah tak larat although actually nak sangat pegi tengok adikku Didie naik pelamin :)