Sunday, June 12, 2011

When He Is Far Far Away...

When you walk away,

I count the steps that you take


Do you see how much I need you right now
When you're gone...

The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone...

The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone...

The words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it ok
I miss you

T_T

(was listening to this song while my hands meets the keyboard and starts writing..)


Sad, sad us at McD KLIA, yesterday :(
...candid by hubby


I am now at my 34th week of pregnancy and scheduled to deliver the twins by week 37. Which means, I have only 3 more weeks to go. Fadzil and I had so many plans and things to do in these 3 remaining weeks. But everything went chaos when Fadzil broke the news last Monday that he had to go to Oslo by the end of the week (yesterday), for approximately 2 weeks.


My heart sank when I heard the news.. :( I was really down...


Starting from Tuesday onwards, the days became so hectic for us. We re-scheduled the gynea's appointment earlier, deciding the date of delivery, arranged the pre-admission to the ward, trip to Putrajaya to renew his passports, and not to forget trips to the malls to get his stuffs, Faaz's stuffs and also the coming newborns stuff. Everything has to be settled as he only be coming back home few days before I am scheduled to deliver. Sangat-sangat penat!


I know, it's not even a month he'll be away, and this is not the first time Fadzil went for outstation. He even left me twice in 2008 when I was at my 1st and 3rd trimester of expecting Faaz. During those time, I managed to handle all by my own with less difficulties.


But this time, it's different...Feels like I'm loosing my "wings" to fly :(


For this pregnancy, At this stage the weight I'm supporting with my petite body make it difficult for me to move around without support. The heaviness is definitely twice than carrying a baby in your womb and it becomes more challenging as the weeks pass by.



At this stage, getting out of bed in the middle of the night/at morning is soo painful, especially at the pelvic area (berat n rasa mencucuk2). Usually, hubby will be the one who give me a hand to support. But now, when I feel like peeing in the middle of the night or wake up in the morning, nobody will give me a hand.. :'(


To get into the car or get out of the car are quite challenging as well. With the oversized tummy and the extra weight, it's so difficult for me to put my leg in the car or getting myself out of the car. Usually, it will be him to give me support, but now, it will only be me, myself :'(


At this stage, getting major cramps in the middle of the night is so common. Sometimes, it becomes so painful that it made me cried. Usually, it was him who quickly woke up and and massage me. But now, who will assist me when I need help in the middle of the night... ? It will only be ME, alone :'(


Lastly, I will not have a shoulder to cry on, a listener, a bestfriend, a joker to make me smile. I will not have my love, my other half for 2 weeks :(


I know some will say that I'm being such a baby, but try to put yourself into my shoes, then you'll understand what I'm going through, physically and emotionally. I managed to survived the first night without him last night, but with lots of tears, especially when I tried to get up in in the middle of the night and to get up this morning. Tried my best to have support from the drawers beside the bed but it was really hard and painful :'( I guess it will take another 2-3 nights before I got used to the pain...


My Faaz also not doing well this time. Although he did not make a scene when Fadzil bid us goodbye at the departure entrance, he started to show how much he miss him afterwards.


Bye-bye daddy, may u have a safe journey...


As we made our way out of the airport, he saw an airplane on the sky from the car so he started to ask,

"Mommy, Daddy go aeroplane?"

"Mommy, Daddy go up the sky?"

"Yes, sayang.." I told him with tears on my eyes. Happy that he begins to understand and make sense of everything but sad at the same time *sob*


As we reached home and went into our room, the first thing Faaz said to me was,

"Mommy, Faaz want to see Daddy on the laptop" (Skype-ing)


I cried, I know my little boy missed his daddy already. So did mommy, Faaz. Quickly I rubbed the tears and calmly I explained to him that his daddy was still on the plane and can't communicate with him yet. He then looked at me silently for a minute before lying down on the bed...


And last night, he cried for his Daddy when he wants his milk...lucky he was ok when I told him I'll make it for him instead..


I know it's gonna be a challenging 2 weeks, and I have to be strong by hook or by crook. May Allah give me the strength to face this. Tears will continue to pour everyday, that's for sure but for the sake of the babies in my womb and another one with me, insyaAllah I'll make it and take good care of this amanah..


Right now I'm missing my hubby so very much. He's still on a 14 hours flight and I pray he will have a smooth journey and safe touchdown later. Looking forward to hear from him this evening.


BTW, today is Fadzil's dad's birthday. Will be attending a family celebration on behalf of my hubby. It's gonna be sad as everyone will attend with their partners and families, except me. Lucky I still have Faaz with me...


Here's a short clip before Fadzil's departure...I can't continue to record the rest, tak tahan sebak sangat :(




p.s: sorry friends for not able to blogwalking at the moment, I'm still on sad mood...will do in few more days, when I'm more emotionally stable. thank you for your understanding..


Love,


34 comments:

mommaholicSURI said...

Owh dear. Berat mata memandang, berat lagi bahu memikul. When i saw u that night, which was the night before Fadzil departed the next day, i could feel your sadness dear. So i didn't dare to ask about your feeling towards it. Just a simple Hi and couldn't help to picit pipi Faaz yg comel tuh!!
I pray for your strength dear. Insya Allah. It may be difficult for these few days but day after i think things will be much better. Faaz is here with you. He is Fadzil version mini. When u miss Fadzil, u pelok Faaz kuat-kuat k. :)
I pray for your health and safety too, dear. Amin.

mommyNadia said...

Nad..I can feel u..
the last weeks towards delivery is the most challenging one..specially u carried 2 body inside..
be patient dear..InsyaAllah it will be a smooth one..pray to Allah..Amin!
be strong dear..pls take care..I guess fadzil parents will help u take care of Faaz kan?
and pretty sure mommy Faaz is strong women,kan kan...!

*dear,I had a goose bump reading ur entry..sobsob!

Thara said...

nadine, i dont know whether it's my wifey-instinct kicking on, or the fact that im sick and memang in need of support all the time now, but i actually teared when i read your entry this time. i guess i know how it feels like not having our husband by our side.. memang patah sayap kan babe. i know, because im the type yang manja dgn my husband too! apa-apa pon husband. i guess we're just the same! :) takpe babe. insyaallah everything will be alright. i believe u can pull this off just as fine! we women mmg manja when our husbands are around. tp when they're not, we'll automatically spring into action! :) be strong okay? and remember, anytime u need someone, i'll be here ok. im just one call away :) take care!

INDA said...

sedih inda baca entry nadia kali ni. sabar banyak2 ye. be strong, i know its easy for us to say that to you, tp apa lahi kata2 yang lebih sesuai? insyaAllah... inda doakan semuanya selamat. be strong, ingat baby dalam perut tu ye...

my.mastura said...

insyaAllah everything will be fine..u've done it b4, u can do it this time...sentiasa berdoa utk keselamatan ko dan suami...all of u, insyaAllah will be ok *wink

Mimy Hamid said...

i can see ur sad face...nampak sangat kesedihannya nad...dan faaz juga...be strong key...i faham perasaan u apatah lagi di saat pregnancy hubby pulak outstation...takpe pejam celik kejap je hubby balik...semoga perjalanan selamat dan berjalan lancar amin...u take care nad

dyana "his other half" said...

nadia,
sedih betul cd baca this entry. bergenang je air mata cd. fariq pun dah confuse2 apa la cd tengok kat iphone tu. hehe.

nak kata cd totally understand how u feel memang tak la. but separuh boleh la because me n fariq were parted masa cd pantang dulu kan. memang terasa seksa sangat. eventhough nak tunggu fariq balik weekend which is 4 days away only pun cd rasa lamaaa sangat.

apa2 pun, be strong ok nadia. for faaz and the little princesses. fariq selalu pesan kat cd "untuk ganjaran yang lagi besar n best, Allah mesti duga kita dulu. tak boleh2 senang2 je bagi ganjaran tu".

apa2, call or sms je cd. office cd kan dekat je ngan rumah nadia. we can have lunch together :).

fa10 said...

mmg nmpk sgt kebulatan perut u bila pakai baju plain mcm tu...
sabar ye, dah tuntutan kerja kan? demi keluarga juga..

~Rushes~ said...

don't be sad...he'll be back soon. I know its a very difficult period. I don't know what I would do if my husband had to go out of country at this time. I'm going through the same difficulties you are going through and sometimes I think I just couldn't make it through the day without him!

ishamizu said...

Alahai sedihnya! sayu btol part Faaz mtk nk skype ngan daddy dia tu..izu pon rasa nak nangis dear! i really feel u. kecian dia. mst rindu gler kt daddy dia kn. and u too. sobs.

Sabar k, i know u can go thru this again dear. insya Allah Fadzil will be back to all of u without u even realize it. time flies v.fast nowadays. tk care k.. Mmuahh for lil Faaz.

MaRyD said...

dear nad,
saba rye,D phm cam ne nad rasa skrg,sbb d dulu pun masa preggy hubby xde o/s,balik betul2 lagi 2-3 hr nk deliver..I know u r strong enough,can wait to see ur twin...Luv u babe..

Anonymous said...

from kak huda

nadia, siannye... akak nangis berjujuran while reading this entry... i seriously can understand u dear.. tabah ye... sesungguhnye setiap ujian y Dia kasi utk org y benar2 mampu shj.... dan sudah pasti ganjaran y sgt besar dan indah bg org2 yg sabar.... ( utk diri sendiri gak ni!)... take care... ciumkan sikit utk faaz ye..

iedanatasha said...

Babes, i totally understand how u feel (actually i was sobbing bila baca your entry sbb i can feel what u feel) cuma my hubby xde la gone in 2-week stretch cuma a few nights away every other week, itu pun dah terase susah sbb dia la yg plg rapat dgn kita & give us the much needed support during this time when we need it most. Like u said, mlm2 nak switch sides pun i kena ask for his help to turn me, nak bangun dari katil tgh mlm/pagi2 pun kena dia paut/support, nak masuk/keluar kereta pun sakit sgt pelvic & back area, if not careful mcm nak tergolek pun ada. When he was gone, memang sgt2 terasa but i tried to keep busy with work, my 2 kids & try to cope the best i can & ask for help from family & friends when i need help, but mlm2 la yg paling terasa sbb that's when i need support the most & he was not there to help me. I dont think anybody hv the right to say kita ni manja/mengada2 crying for our hubby sbb hv they experienced carrying twins before, especially at such advanced stage like us, unaided? My hubby will be going away again for a few days this weekend & i know i'll still cry missing him, but i believe with time we will find that we can cope. Somehow Allah will help us & give us the strength that we think we don't have to carry on. I pray for u & me to be given the strength to cope by ourselves & to rely to Allah for support & for the safety & well-being of our twins that we're carrying. I'm at least glad to know that i'm not alone facing this situation & i hope u feel the same way too. If u feel like it maybe we can chat on fb. Stay strong, sister!

Nadine said...

Mea,

It was obvious dat night eyh? Yes dear, I was sad. Actually, masa terserempak dgn you tu mcm2 ade dlm kepala I..tu yg a bit awkward. Sorry ye. Tp satula, I mmg tak tahan sungguh tgk Oman standing with his hand inside d pocket. Stylo habis!! :)
Thank you so much for your doa and ur concern dear, I really appreciate it. Alhamdulillah, I'm getting better. Bab rindu tu ok lagi, cuma bab tahan sakit sorang2 tu I lemah sket. But true, I'm so lucky to have Faaz. Dari dia I dpt bnyk kekuatan..

Nadine said...

Nadia,

TQ so much babe for your prayer...ameen. Terharu I, *hugs*.
Alhamdulillah, parents Fadzil mmg take good care of Faaz, help a lot to cheer him up actually.
Kuat tak kuat, mmg kena harung skang ni. I just hope cptla masa berlalu...

*sorry buat u goosebumps plak. Masa tulis ni I mmg tgh sgt sedih. You knowlah how emotional a pregnant lady can be :) Alhamdulillah, in terms of emotion I dh ok, cuma bab mengharung kesakitan tu yg I tak bape nak ok..

Nadine said...

Thara,

I was crying when I wrote the entry and the words came from deep inside...tgh sedey babe! lagi2 with the pregnancy hormone..bertambah2 la sedih T_T

Being manja is one thing, but at this stage I mmg need support in those things I mentioned in the post. Sorang2 buat mmg sgt2 difficult dgn weight yg I tanggung and the pain, tak usah ckp la. mmg mengalir air mata punye. I think because of this most of my friends yg mengandungkan twins dh on bed rest dah. I je tak, siap kena pegi training 1 week lagi..huhu. Tapi tulah, dah takde sape2, nak tak nak kena lalui jugak. Ujian Allah utk I, I redha :)

Thanks a lot babe, really appreciate your concern. You pun jaga diri elok2 k, have a good rest and I pray for ur speed recovery. Ameen!

Nadine said...

Inda dear,

TQ for ur kind words, really appreciate it. Issokay, kawan2 sudi bg encouragement true words pun membantu sebenarnya :) Ameen, thanks again dear. Kisses for lil Aiman k...

**********************

Mas,

InsyaAllah, TQ banyak2 sudi bagi aku kata2 semangat. Buat aku makin kuat..*hugs* :)

Nadine said...

Mimy,

Thanks dear for your kind words. Haritu mmg kitaorg sgt2 sedih, alhamdulillah we are a lot better today. counting d days je hari2. cepatla masa berlalu :) u take care jugak ok, glad u dh slalu update blog. terhibur I ade je post baru nak baca, kdg2 tak terkejar :)

Nadine said...

Cee D,

Awwwh, sori buat you sedey plak. :( Entry ni mmg luahan hati Nadia yg tgh sedih.. Ntah bape kali lap air mata tah masa tulis ni.

Oh true, dlm pantang pun mmg perlu sgt hubby by our side kan. Wpun Nadia x pernah rasa berjauhan dgn suami dlm pantang, Nadia paham. Emotion pun blum brape nak stable..tp untung satula, ibubapa tercinta ade dekat utk support kan. Kalaulah boleh diimport mak Nadia, mmg Nadia culik dia jadi teman tido mlm2, boleh dia tolong bg support/urut tgh2 mlm :)

Betul ape Fariq ckp tu, InsyaAllah dear, TQ so much! Tula nak ym/call Cee D blum sempat lagi. Nadia skang tgh bz training. Nnti kita jumpa ye, nak pass barang utk Hadif n Sha :)

Nadine said...

Fa10,

A'ah, sgt bulat mcm giant watermelon dh perut I. InsyaAllah, thanks dear :)

*************************

Rushda,

Thank you so much! You are lucky ur hubby is around, make him pamper u enough, u deserve it with the difficulties u currently go through. Hihi...take care. I can't wait to see ur twins, I'm sure they gonna look supercute! :)

Nadine said...

Izu,

Thanks dear. Faaz sedih tp macho at the same time. Dia show true words, mommy dia true air mata :P Cuma tgh2 mlm, bila nak susu tula dia nangis2 sebut daddy, daddy. Dah biasa kot semenjak dua ni daddy dia yg bangun tgh mlm buatkan susu dia..

What can I say is what I'm going through now is not comparable la to yours. Pantang c-sec sorang2 kat negara org n at the same time kena handle 3 org anak. mmg Nadia tabik spring kat Izu sbb Izu mmg kuat!

Nadine said...

MaryD,

Awwwwh, thanks babe *hugs*. Terharu I. You lagi la kan. I mmg salute kat you, u sgt sabar with ur long distance relationship with ur hubby. Dahla masa tu 1st pregnancy kan. Can't imagine myself in ur shoes, salute babe. InsyaAllah, mau jadi tabah mcm you jugak :)

Nadine said...

Kak Huda,

Awwwwh, thanks so much akak *hugs*. Tula haritu tgh sgt2 sedihla akak. Skang sudah ok, tgh bertahan dgn kepayahan physical je ni. Faaz n babies dlm perutla penguat semangat.

Akak, couldn't agree more with what u said. Thanks sbb sudi ingatkan Nadia. Motivasi yg sangat bagus ni :)
InsyaAllah, akak take care jugak. Dah kiss faaz on behalf dh :)

Nadine said...

Ieda,

Thanks so much dear for sharing with me, u give me strength knowing that I am not alone and there's somebody is out there facing the same situation with me. *hugs* Bertuah I dpt kawan sama2 preggy twins ni, at least ade la jugak org yg really paham what I'm going trough right now. Susahkan at this stage bila unaided. Challenging habis...huhu.

InsyaAllah dear, ameen to your doa. I pun doakan yg sama utk you juga. Mudah2an dipermudahakan segala2nya utk kita and smoga u selamat lahirkan ur twins by 37 weeks, insyaAllah :) Kalau ade pape nnti I contact you k. Do update on ur current being in FB slalu tau. Tak sabar nak tgk ur twins. I hope we'll keep in touch sampai the twins dh lahir pun k :)

MaRyD said...

NAd,
auch tabah ke i...?hahaha,u know what actually masa tu everyday bgn tdo i nangis,makan time pun nangis..nak tdo pun nangis..sikit2 tel hubby soh die balik..
until la 1 saturday ni b4 im given birth tu,i Video call die n tunjuk kan perut i yg dh contraction tu..baru la die bergegas balik kl..hahahah,rasa lawak je tp tula experience kan beb..
then bila rindu i gagah kan jgk diri ni pergi kat hubby by bus..nasib tak terberanak je dlm bus..
apepun,mmgla time2 pregnant ni,kite nk manja2 kan cam princess giteww.
apepun cheer up k..
cant wait la to meet ur lil twin...muah for u dear

Aleyn said...

Oh dear, don't you have anoyone to accompany you besides Faaz? It is a crucial time right now being 34th week of pregnancy and all....further more, you are carying twins....oh god....hope you have the strength and don't get too emotional kay...it'll somehow affect your babies inside....

I pray for your safety dear..hope everything goes well ....

Ira Sufian said...

Nadia,

I'm all teary..sabar byk2.dugaan dr Allah.be strong for ur baby n Faaz. Msg2 ade dugaan sndr.Hopefully, tempoh 2 minggu ini akan berlalu dgn cpt.
Did u know ms hr due date saya utk anak ke2,my husband accident.patah tgn n lutut trkoyak nmpk tempurung lutut.bruises n minor cuts here n there.he was supposed to be hospitalized but he refused.dlm keadaan nk beranak, saye drive bwk die blk kg kt raub.Sbb dk sini,msg2 xterjaga la nmpknyer.nsb baik,xterberanak hr tu.lewat 2 hr br bersalin.saya kt kg kelantan,die kt Raub. seksa rs nyer trpisah.
Saye rs klau dpt Fadzil terbang blk hari2, mau nyer die buat camtu.my husband yg patah tgn, kaki xbleh bengkok tu pn sanggup drive blk kelantan sbb rindu.smpt jgk die blk 2x.saya brpantang kt kelantan xsampai sebulan pn, die dh bwk blk ipoh..
bwk brsabar byk2 yer.u may be petite but u're strong.hugs n kisses for u

Ira Sufian said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Haresue said...

Sue sebenarnyer silent reader tapi biler baca n3 nie rasa mcm sedih sgt2.. sue paham apa yang nadia rasa sekarang, banyak2 bersabar k dear.. cheer up k!..

p/s : saya satu sekolah dengan u (SMSG).. sekelas dengan limy..

Nadine said...

MaryD,

Kira tabahla tu dear, u managed to go through each and every day without him..wpun nangis2 sume, siap travel jauh2 naik bas. bkn senang kan. tp bab u tunjuk ur tummy tu cute la, baru dia sedar eh? hihi..
InsyaAllah dear, I'm doing better now. One more weeks to go for him to come back. :)

Nadine said...

Aleyn,

Thank you so much for ur concern dear. Actually I am staying with my in laws. Diaorg bnyk tolong jagakan Faaz utk I. Cuma tula, malam2 bila need assistance tu mmg takde siapa la nak tolong. Tak sampai hati rasanya nak ganggu MIL I yg tgh nyenyak tido semta2 I need to go to the loo or to wake up. Ameen for ur wish, TQ again :)

Nadine said...

Ira,

Allahuakbar...ye ke. Siannya both of u, saya dgr pun goose bump dah :( Sungguh kuat awak Ira, emotionally especially. Tula kan, bila dlm keadaan terdesak, kekuatan tu pasti datang kan. I salute u dear. Herry cemana skang? Dah ok sepenuhnya? Kalau awak tak mentioned sampai sudah saya tak tau. Thanks for sharing and uplift my spirit Ira. I really appreciate it *hugs*. Take care and kisses to Daris n his adik :)

Nadine said...

Haresue,

Hello :) Thanks sudi singgah blog I n baca blog I. Bila u mentioned kita dulu satu school, cpt2 I terjah ur blog n cari ur face. I think I remembered ur face, cuma time dolu2, I tak tau nama you...I pun pendiam je dulu kan..hihi.

Anyway, thanks so much for ur kind words as well. Rasa lebih semangat mengharungi 2 minggu ni knowing that there are people who cares about me. I am so lucky to have friends like all of you. *hugs* :)

kella said...

ouhhh nad! baru dapt baca ni!
sedihnya rasa.. sebak je rasa tiba tiba.. sedih.. bergenang air mata ni!

InsyaAllah. Allah lindungi nad sekeluarga.. its about time dah kan nad.. hubby nad pun dah nak dekat balik pun ni.. ke dah balik dah?

i know ure strong enuff nad! u take care.. i pray for u , ur husband , faaz..and the twinss.. insyaAllah..